Fall 2005
I wrote this thought because I wanted to share not only a male's perspective on the topic, but a Black man's perspective. I am 36 years old, happily single, no children, college educated, professionally trained as a social worker/alcohol and drug therapist and an aspiring youth motivational speaker. I have never been on the criminal justice roll nor do I mistreat women. I date here and there when the spirit or my mojo hits me. I have the utmost respect for Black women and I truly believe that God sent them to the earth exclusively for me, a Black man. However, something has gone terribly wrong in the relationship department as it relates to Black men and women. I have heard all of the arguments, opinions, debates over cocktails, and even heard prayers that have been sent up to God for the explanation for why it appears that Black men and Black women have fallen out of love and have even become mortal enemies for the most part.
You see. I am concerned because I hope to seriously date and marry an Afrikan woman some day and have Afrikan children. Moreover, I hope to build a strong foundation with the right Afrikan woman in the future. Sadly, that future seems far away for me because of the state of confusion we seem to be in as a community. You see. We have many women scratching and clawing at Black men while many Black men are pimping and exploiting Black women. The rest of us are just who have been caught in the middle of this madness, are now running for emotional and spiritual cover due to feelings of uncertainty within the dating pools. I don't like being this way. I don't like seeing our people in this situation. I hate reading letters by Black women who say that good Black men are hard to find when I know that we are every where, even at the bus stop heading to work. Maybe if many of them would stop dating inmates on visitation day and sleeping with the whore-mongering preachers that have wives and even male lovers on the side, they would see us.
I think Black women in America have been sold a fake bill of goods when it comes to her Black men in the system we live under (racism/white supremacy). I want all of the independent, empowered, self assured, financially secured, but lonely, angry, and annoyed Black women to take a little trip with me for a moment in order that I may show her how she has been "played." I will keep this quick. Under the system of racism/white supremacy (Dr. Frances Cress Welsing-The Isis Papers) there is only one man-the white man. The rest of the men (which happen to be of color) are considered to be less than a man. This is his philosophy. Not only is this his philosophy, he created a system of laws to ensure this. According to the US Constitution and the Afrikan will never be equal to him under this system. So, for the past 445 years, since the days of physical slavery (Slave Codes) the days of Jim Crow (Segregation Laws) the Black male and Black female have been under attack.
I have always wondered what women meant whenever they would announce that they are empowered or independent because whenever they would say this, I would often wonder why was there a need for them to announce it to the world when they don't really seem to be happy or content. I don't recall any Black men in history who created laws that suppressed their rights as human beings. I don't recall any Black men in history who subjugated women to a lower class of people because of their gender. As I recall in American history we were both being subjugated, suppressed, and made to be and feel less than human in this country and across the globe.
The difference is the Black female of the past 20 years has been empowered not by God, but by the white male to be his second in command. Meaning, she has been empowered to be all that she can be systematically, while Black boys and Black men are still under direct attack. This has led to two occurrences: More Black men, in our struggle to be men, have been relegated to making a living or hustling out side of the system because there are so many steep stipulations that have been placed on our backs in order for us to be accepted in this system in the corporate and academic/scholastic sectors. It is as if we are being required to be "lady like" in order to be accepted. Unfortunately, quite a few of us "Black men" have been broken down emotionally and mentally beyond repair. The second occurrence is Black women have been empowered or conditioned by their white male and lesbian white female counterparts to take on the role as the "man" in this society and in her community, thus, creating confusion. You see. In every relationship, there is a masculine and a feminine aspect of the union.
According to this society, the man or masculine entity is usually the head of the house hold and a lot of times take the lead in the relationship. However, how can this be when the men are being systematically driven to take on the feminine role and women are being empowered to take on the masculine role? There are more Black women who make more money than Black men in this system of white male dominated and controlled economics. However, the white male continues to enjoy a wide gap in money earned over his white female counter part. He understands that in order for a man to head a house hold and be the bread winner, he has to earn a comfortable living. Thus, giving his woman the option to be a stay home wife/mom or obtain employment if she wants to. Strategically, Black men are not viewed as men in this system forcing him work twice as hard to economically sustain a wife and children.
When Black men were forced out of the home even on the plantation during chattel slavery, this left the female in a vulnerable position to fend for herself. She did what she had to do to maintain what was left of the family. Even today, the cycle continues. However, as empowered as most Black women claim to be, I don't understand why they don't know this history and understand it. Hell, Black women are in all aspects of society from corporate to government. They have been "allowed" to excel in all aspects of life instead of being relegated to a few careers like dancing, rapping, and sports. Black women are in positions of power, yet they are powerless in knowing how to regain their families and keep a man. Most Black women are harmless and are viewed as non-threatening conformists under this system. So, thinking that one day she will turn on the white male who empowered her for what he has done to her man is the farthest thought from my mind. However, I can't help but wonder if there are any Black women out there in the system who would even think about cracking the door open just a little to let a brother in.
These are a few of the many games that have been played on the psyche of Black people.
Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu wrote a four part series in his classic, "Countering the conspiracy to destroy Black Boys." Dr. Frances Cress Welsing also wrote a series of books that would explain why Black people have fallen out of love and how it was done. Also, Dr. Julia Hare has written books to explain how the Black family has been manipulated. The answer to why so many Black women say that they can't seem to find a "good Black man" is right in front of them.
Unfortunately, those same empowered, independent, "Blessed and Highly Favored" females don't read meaningful books. They have allowed fags like J.L. King, E. Lynn Harris, Tyler Perry, corporate white men, and angry, old, Black men-hating, fat women along with the women who marry obviously gay men, but claim they did not know later on after the fact upon hearing the whispers about him being gay to preach to them about Black men.
So, until we start realizing who the open enemy of the Black family is and will always be, some Black women will continue to ask stupid questions like, "Why can't I find a good Black Man?"
11 comments:
Thank you mimi for that response. However, my letter was not about black men because black mena re not whining about not being able to find a good black woman. The letter was to simple get Black women to read and stop attacking their men out of ignorance. By the way, Black women are on the down low, in jail, deadbeat moms, thugged out, hoed-out and any other adjective that you can come up with about Black men in this society. The fact still remains. Black women for the most part that are crying about not being able to find a good black man under the system of white supremacy, have been fooled. They don't read meaningful books are articles that explain why we are both (Black men and Black women? messed up.
Plenty of Black men are standing up. However, we are boxing that white male dominated system and the appointed Black female managers are fighting us. This is why I am challenging sistas to put down Essence, the Bible, Ebony, Zane, E.Lynn Harris, and J.L. King and turn off Tyler Perry to get the knowledge and truly be empowered.
Rico,
Question: What encouraging words do you have for the sister that did everything by the book?
Case in point - I was a good girl. Quiet and obedient. I can remember two times that I had to be disciplined. Whippings were rare for me (my 2 brothers and 1 sister got it often) because my heart ached at the thought of disappointing my parents, grandparents...any adult for that matter.
Our community was close knit. Almost everyone in a 5 mile radius went to the same church and same schools. Our values were the same so the village raised the children there. We were an unofficial gang. When you saw one you saw us all. The boys (family or not) protected the girls and the girls supported the boys (sports, music, pool at the local pool hall, etc.).
None of us were rich, but no child went hungry and no home wanted for the neccessities.
When I graduated high school I received many academic and athletic scholarship offers. I was also the recipient of an attendance award that few receive: I did not miss ONE day of school in TWELVE YEARS!!!
I graduated college with honors (an HBCU) and married a man I met while in college. He was employeed by a Fortune 500 company, we built a house, had our 2 children, bought a dog and all was fine.
I sustained the household: took care of the children, kept the house clean, cooked 4-5 nights a week and was a vixen in the bedroom (the adult novelty store called me when new items hit the shelves). Although I worked, he was the breadwinner and head of the household. If we could not agree on an issue, he had the last say.
When he was fired for falsifying documents, I stood by him. I took on a second FULL TIME job and enrolled the children (1 and 3)in daycare so he wouldn't be stressed during the day and could effectively perform a job search.
He decided we should move to Memphis. He came here a month before the family to find a job and an apartment. I stayed and took care of renting the house and closing out other matters. When the engine went out in his car (2 weeks before me and the children were to move) I took him the vehicle I was driving, his mother kept the children and I rode the Greyhound back and depended on friends for transportation until I could join my family again.
After moving here we worked for the same small company for a year then we both ventured to other employment. I withdrew some of my retirement fund to start a small business to supplement our incomes. He wanted no part of it because he thought it would fail and "we'd be worse off than we were before." But said he wouldn't stop me if I wanted to go ahead with it.
The rest of the story:
He worked for a company that paid monthly. TWICE he took his month's salary to Tunica and lost it ALL: A MONTH'S SALARY !!!!
Well, thank God for the small business. We didn't miss a beat because of the income it generated.
Then he had an affair with the lady that lived in apartment C of our building (We were in A). The mother of our two sons' best friends.
I didn't go Jerry Springer. As a matter of fact..in the 7 years since this happened our boys have remained friends as a matter of fact our sons spent the night at her place last weekend.
We reconciled and "to prove that he wants to provide for his family" we bought a house....CORRECTION: I bought a house. Because his credit was so messed up that we couldn't get a VA loan, I had to put the house in my name only. I have never thrown it in his face, but he has mentioned it to me more times than I care to remember.
Again he lost his job and I supported him. It took a lot (chips in my dining room table from him and his friends playing dominoes while I was at work, his decision not to apply for unemployment because the lines were too long and paying $400 a month for afterschool care - 3:30 to 6:00 - only to come home to him lying on the sofa, 40 oz. in one hand, TV remote in the other, asking "What's for dinner?")for me to decided enough is enough!!
While going through the divorce I met a young professional that showed considerable interest in me. After dating a while, he proposed becoming exclusive. I explained that I had baggage that I didn't want to carry into a relationship. Asked him to be patient. If he's still interested when I get my "ducks in a row" maybe we could explore something then. We kept dating (casually).
When the divorce was final and my boys were okay with mommy dating (they had no idea that I'd been dating for months) We became exclusive - again at his proposal - and things went well for another month or so. Just when I was getting ready to introduce him to my boys (after almost 9 months of acquaintance) I ran into him at a restaurant with a "friend." I am pretty liberal so the scene didn't cause me alarm, but his reaction did.
I nodded at him from across the room (as I would to acknowledge anyone) dined with my friends and went home. Near midnight (after dinner and whatever with his "friend") he called to cuss me out and accused me of spying on him and judging him. He proceeded to tell me how I think I'm better than everyone else and I'm not sh** and would never be sh**.
More baggage that I have to dismiss before I delve into another relationship. I am convinced there will be another, but right now I am asking: "Where are all of the good men?"
WOW!
itsmyturn, that was amazing. I enjoyed every line. Have you ever written professionally? You tell a story so well. What makes this particular reading so interesting in the fact that it is an actual true story about you. Itsmyturn, as I read the letter, it was as if you and I were talking on the telephone or in person.
Here is my answer. It stinks. Being hurt and disappointed by other people is a part of living in this world today. However, it does not have to be the norm in one's life. As human beings we meet all types of people in our lifetime if we are lucky. As a therapist, I always remind my clients that the negative behavior of others should not be taken personally.
You control all that is you. Emma, your spouse behaving badly in your relationship had nothing to do with you. All of his thoughts and behaviors came from a place that had nothing to do with you. He acted on his own.
In relationships, where there are feelings involved, the line of protecting yourself and being there for the other person tends to get blurred. It sucks when we are made to feel less than, foolish, or even like the villain when we are attempting to do what we are suppose to do according "the book" in relationships.
I wrote the letter as a message to Black women out there who have not done the research or even asked the question, "Why are Black men the way they are today?" or Historically, what was done to ensure that the Black family will never survive in the future?
Personally, I have a handle on why so many young Black women today behave the way they do towards Black men in general. I did the research. Still, there is a level of disappointment that I feel whenever I turn on Oprah or hear a Black female yell, "I don't need a man....." I want more women out there to do what you did and just ask what happened.
Also, as I suggested in my blog, Black females should pick up more meaningful books to read other than a books, by Zane, E.Lynn Harr, J.L. King, Terry Mcmillan, etc.
I hope I answered your question ok. If not, please let me know.
Rico, I've read various books by Dr. Welsing, Carter G. Woodson, Kola Boof, bell hooks, Amos Wilson, Tony Browder, Carol Barnes, Malachi York and others. I've also watched videos and listened to and/or attended lectures by Steve Cokely, Na'im Akbar, Rev. Philip Valentine, libradio.com, etc.
I'm a single mom of an 8-year old son. I was with his father a number of years; he left me and won't even participate in out son's development. A few years ago, he married a woman who already had TWO CHILDREN, but won't even bother with his own child. After not sending his son a dime for nearly two years (he was barely sending anything before that), I had to take him to court for child support. His family isn't much better than he is.
Because of his father's refusal to parent our son, out son now doesn't want anything to do with him. That's deep, at 8 years old... and NO, Rico, I don't badmouth his father.
My son really needs more interaction with a man, but where are they? I'm not talking about a relationship for my self...his father won't do anything, his grandfather won't either. I have two uncles, one who's diabetic, but has all kinds of problems with that and the other uncle still has his wife following him around like a slave.
I've tried big brothers/big sisters over a year ago, but nothing's happened there. He played on the soccer team of one of the local WHITE churches here in the city, and will be playing basketball there, as well next month. I honestly don't know where to turn or what else to do.
Many of the brothas have a lot to say about "what we blackmen need to do is...", but when it comes down to it, IT SIMPLY AIN'T HAPPENING!
So that being said Rico, reading the books is great and all, but in my experience, that hasn't really been profitable in the real world. I've only read one E. Lynn Harris book, and wasn't impressed. I read my first Zane book last weekend, and I can't say that I'll read another one. I'm about this close to cutting Essence off, especially after the cover story they just did on Mr. Homothug/Gangstalicious himself, Sean 'P-Diddy' Combs and his "relaitonship" with the mother of his unborn twins..
Yes, Rico, I've read the books and I've come to one conclusion: your oppressor has told you what he 'gon do for you. I use the terms 'you' and 'yours', because ya'll brothas cling to the false believe that ya'll are the ONLY ones affected by racism/white supremacy.
Why are you still waiting for him to give you permission to be a man? You have allowed to let white men, WHITE MEN of ALL people convince you that we're your enemies...You want him to recognize you as a man so badly that you'll accept ANYTHING he says to you, and you have the NERVE to talk about us??
Many brothas like to believe that only sistas have been faded by the system, but ya'll are no different; you're no different.
Sexism is a MAJOR problem amongst us! Unfortunately, many blackmen and blackwomen believe that the experiences of the brothas are more important than the experiences of the sistas, which is messed up, since it's the SISTAS who raise the children!!
Rico, NEITHER BLACKMEN OR BLACKWOMEN ARE THE PROBLEM!!! This Matrix that we live in is the problem!! Until we accept that, reading all the afrocentric/spiritual/health books in the world ain't 'gon change nuthin'!!
Beloved:
I am impressed with your level of understanding of what's really going on with Black men and women in today's society. I never stated in my letter that Black women as a whole were the problem.
I suggested in my posted letter that the women who cry, "I can't find a good Black man" read more books that speak to why we "both" Black men and Black women, behave the way we do after being conditioned and trained under 350 years of white supremacy/racism. Your letter was reading very well until you obviously became emotional and began to get silly in your writing after the fifth paragraph.
Black men are not waiting on White men to give us permission to do anything. We are doing it! Sadly, We as Black men have to fend off two enemies now when we are acting too Black or too strong as men (White men and Black females that have been empowered by the white male and the lesbian female).
I feel for your personal pain. I am sorry you "CHOSE" to create a child with the wrong man. However, I find it very interesting that even after you have read all the books that you say that you have read...you still seem to stink in the "finding a good man" department.
So, that says that to me two things: You either did not comprehend or believe what you read or you are what you attract. I mean this is a teaching.
Good, Strong, Black men are everywhere. Good ones at that. One is writing you right now.
Rico Rivers
You're right Rico. I did choose the wrong man to father my son. I can't go back and change anything, though. Would you rather I take myself out? I'd thought about it...NUMEROUS times.
You're also right about another thing...I'm not good with men; I'll be the first to admit that. Despite what you may think, I've long since gotten over my son's father.
As for finding a man, I never said anything about a man for myself, I specifically stated that I needed help with my son, but it doesn't appear that the brothas are available, despite all the talk about the importantce of black men in black boy's lives. And Rico, I never said or implied that there are no good black men.
As for my reading comprehension, I understand fully what I've read, however I've found that it doesn't seem to apply outside of the book or lecture, since many of the guys I've come across aren't really interested in such things.
It's interesting to me how I have been accused of being "silly" and "emotional" because I simply chose to talk about the fact that what many brothas say and actually do contradict one another.
It's also interesting to me how (in general) black men reserve the right to say any and everything about us, but when we dare to call black men out on their issues, suddenly we're bitter or lesbian or "a tool for da man".
I don't claim to be perfect in any kind of way. I got my own issues. All I know is that I've learned my lesson about that "we black women need to stick by our men, no matter what b.s." You see Rico, I used to believe in that; I really, really did, but not anymore.
When I was with my son's father, I had started reading the books and attending the lectures and had believed all that stuff about black women not understanding the black man's plight, so I believed the brothas when they said that those of us sisters who had the knowledge should try to 'lift our brothers up'. I tried; it didn't work. I've since learned that it's not my responsibility to lift him up; he has to do that himself. My responsibility is to support him in that endeavor.
I even fell for the 'black women are enemies of black men, because they're taking all of the jobs' crap. Even if I weren't a single mom, am I supposed to wait for a guy to show up and take care of me? Like Mimi said, is the black woman to sit back, starve, not work, live on the streets, etc. so that the black man can take the position?
Despite my own pain and bad choices, I still believe that there's a reward for standing by my brothas...I just haven't seen it yet.
Beloved:
I hear ya. We are on the same side. I am glad that you eventually got some of the points in my letter if not most of them. We can both speak of personal experiences in this life time. However, this is not why I wrote the Blog. I wrote the letter in the blog so those women who are crying about not being able to find a good man in this city or country can get a clue to why this is a reality for them. It could be because of them.
However, to not "go there" I want us both "Black men and Black women" to stand together to look at the enemy of both of us "The White male and his racist system.
In reading history..I am hoping that more black women will begin to ask themselves questions like "Why do so many black men end up in prison as oppose to white men and others?" Why do so many Black men get discriminated against in the job market as opposed to Black females and white men and white women?" Why does it seem that Black females are encouraged and empowered under this system to strive to be the best or all she can be, but Black males are driven or directed and in some cases forced to "make it" in alternative ways like sports, the streets, and entertainment?"
This is why I wrote the Blog.
Rico Rivers
There are many God-fearing women and men out there who would be the perfect fit for one person of the opposite sex. Black men and women who have attained some sort of social status seem to be too tied up with finding the perfect mate. Typically when one is found that meets their strict requirements, the person is spiritually confused, yet has the degree and money.
Many of our black social climbers and scholars fail to recognize there are true diamonds out there. Without that relationship with God you may lack the patience to work around rough edges and times with the object of your attraction. Thus the relationship may fail.
Maybe black men should 'up' their standards. Just because a woman is college educated and seems to have everything together that does not make her the best fit in each case. In alot cases, women struggle with sacrificing peace for financial gain. When financial gain is attained most men are not interested anymore, or are not willing to do the things to sweep a woman off her feet.
Also, many times when a black man has a little money, he is usually worried that the black woman he is with is out for it. Believe me I know this first hand because I run into this situation all the time.
Black men should try God. Also, men should not get religion, get God. A relationship with him through Jesus Christ. When you find that you will find the woman for you. I don't base God on what I see man doing. Whether the man is a "pimp preacher" or a man of God. I read for my self and develop my own understantding of God. And believe me if I were attracted to a man he would not be because of his 'mojo.'
Also if the black man and black woman stop complaining about what the white man is doing to them, and start working on making there way in the world together as a family unit, the divide between the two will close. Also examples of strong families that just so happen to be black would permeate the fabric of our society for years to come.
I am an independent thinker, and I don't need someone elses theory to characterize or stereotype me. Material such as the ISIS papers is just that, to me someone elses synopsis of what black should be or should be proud of. I am black and proud, but someone elses opinion/ theory does not define me unless I allow it.
San s:
Did you even bother to read my post at all. The resonse to the post is ay out there as dos not address anything I said in my post except the part where I am asking Black women to read books other than those whose authors are gay, lesbian, and sexual freaks. You seemed to be turned off by the suggestion of doing research to find out why Black men and Black women behave the way we do in this society and towards each others.
Don't suggest what Black men need to know and read when you won't take a suggestion from a Black man that has already been there and done that as it relates to the Bible and religion. Come on, sista. Open up your mind and learn something new. More importantly, the reason why.
Rico Rivers
Rico, how eloquently put. I almost understood everything until I encountered your typos. I can tell my post did not upset you one bit because you kept your composure until you resorted to stereotyping black women as fans of sexually perverse and lesbian/ homosexual literature. I can't imagine why you do not have a woman or men like you don't. Oops! Yes I do your true colors. They were showing in your responses. You did not miss one beat at taking a pot shot at black women. Are you really frustrated with black women, or just ready to exalt yourself anyway you know how?
Furthermore, you need to step into reality. You can read every book in the world and research a problem that is easy to resolve. Try harder at making things work in all of your relationships. You decide how much of a struggle you go through in your relationship.
Rico, if you know the reason why, why don't you help some sisters out instead of attempting to take advantage of them the way you say the white man has. Since you know the reason why, you should do your part to make sure that your peers are not made a fool out of. Alluding to the stereotype that women would rather learn more about sexual perversion than strive every day to learn about what is relevant to make a relationship work is typical to that of the oppressors. I would not want to imitate or duplicate my oppressor. Rather I would use my oppressor as a spring board to my success. Maybe it is the bitterness that is rooted in an educated black man or any man per se that would keep him from helping out his sister or brother. You may not think you should be your brother's keeper, but you should be.
And Rico, if my response incensed you that much especially when it comes to a relationship with God, I would not take a suggestion from you, because you are tore up from the floor up in your thinking.
Hey, San S.
You are right. I need to watch those typo's. It comes from typing fast and not going back over the message I typed. I will make sure that I don't have any typos in this response.
I see you are still responding in a manner that tells me that you have not truly read this topic because your responses are so (left field)and mis-directed that I can't tell what you are responding to.
I love to dialogue, but it would help me out if you would respond to what I wrote so that I can better understand what your point is.
Be sweet.
Rico Rivers
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